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> >>Subject: HURRICANE HITS NEWCASTLE
>
>A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
>Richter scale hit Newcastle in the early hours of Thursday with its
>epicentre in Byker. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
>"Fukinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30
>worth of
>improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Costa del
>Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were
>disturbed.
>Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Metro FM reported
>that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still
>trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had
>happened in Byker. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother
>of 5 said, "It
>was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
>bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept
>through
>it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the
>next morning."
>Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on
>as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
>Sunny
>Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still
>searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal
>belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and Bone
>China from Poundland.
>
>HOW CAN YOU HELP?
>This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
>unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
>sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps,
>Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), White sport
>socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in
>Primark.
>Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
>Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice
>cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the
>compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a
>family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of
>those affected.
>
>***Breaking news***
>Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
>alco-pop.'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "WALLSEND" said the
>girl,
>"wats that gorra de wit yee?"
>Please don't forward this to anyone living in Newcastle - oh, sod it,
>they won't be able to read it anyway.
 
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